Clear Blue Water

I woke up this morning after a nice long sleep. I can't tell you how amazingly clear headed and focused I am. I've  been doing better at work and feel like I'm making better relationships with the staff. I'm sleeping wonderfully (though my dreams are becoming intensely real again), I'm waking up and only needing a cup of coffee and I then I'm ready to go! I'm feeling more and more productive and not overwhelmed. I registered for classes, paid some bills, ate some great food. Made some extremely positive life choices and changes. I feel more in tuned with my spiritual side and just feel more aware of my actions and how they truly represent me as a person.
This feeling I'm feeling is the feeling I  look forward to ever time I end my self-destructive cycle that I do to myself when I subconsciously destroy perfection. I strive to be perfect so much and I strive to have complete enlightenment, but when I feel that I've been trucking along in the right direction for too long, I crush it and have an all out war with my body and mind and personally relationships. I'm an addict. And when I can't have meth or coke or whiskey, I have to be addicted to feelings and moments. I think it's good I realize this. It is the first step to healing and practicing to live a life without any chains, whether they be drugs or moments in time.

Well, this kinda sucks...

So on a recent visit to the doctor, I have ben informed that I have a serious problem with my throat. Now I'm sure I can come up with a million jokes on why my throat is in danger, but I'm gonna try to take it as serious as possible. It turns out that Fannie has to say goodbye to singing for a while. I'm heartbroken about this and I hope everyone understands that when we don't take care of the gifts given to us, sometimes they can be taken away... just in  second's time. My lifestyle choices have caught up with me and now I must relearn the ways to love and respect all parts of my body! Treat it like the temple it is! I hope this is a wakeup call to not only myself, but others who like to take the lifestyle of a rockstar a little too literal. I love being up on stage and I'll be back, but next time with a vengeance!

Last night at Hamburger Marys!

So this guy and this girl came and sat in my section last night. They looked familar in a"keep your distance they are up to no good" kinda way. Well they order and the food comes out in a reasonable time and when the guy gets it, he proceeds to tell me and the food runner that he has come in 2 times and order the same burger and both times he has gotten another exact burger. He also tells me (while pointing at me) that I need to learn how to be a better server and maybe this wasn't the job for me (while his female monster is giggling and shoveling food into her fat head). I was shocked and knew something had to be up. I mean since I've been at Hamburger Mary's (almost two months) I have made 2 mistakes with ordering and those were on the first day we had a slow opening and no one even knew what the food looked like. So, anyway, I was stewing and pondering over A) where did he look so familiar from and B) why would he do this to me. Then it came to me! This mother fuckin loser is the same mother fuckin loser that I blocked on Adam4Adam because he wouldn't no for an answer after he asked me to come over to his place, fill his hole, and then stay and cuddle. So, he found me and came in for his petty, creepy revenge. YUCK!! Sometimes I hate fellow faggots. I mean seriously. I told my amazing boss Ian about it and he got the cutest  smile on his face. And after I told Ian that this little fucker tipped me .50 cents and snapped at me as he left, Ian said," I'm sure his profile is only worth about .50 cents (snap)".  So if I ever see him again I will be more than happy take those two quarters and firmly place them deep in his eye sockets!  :)

In other news, CHARITY BINGO AT HAMBURGER MARY'S ON TUESDAY WITH FANNIE MAE DARLING AS YOUR HOSTESS! THIS WEEK WE HAVE Q CENTER AS OUR FIRST CHARITY!!!   PRIZES, FUN, GOOD KARMA AND MEEEEEEE!

Back in P-Town

Ok, time to get focused again!!  Positive thoughts and action!!

Today I'm meeting with Juan Garcia to learn how to run the karaoke machine for Fannie-oke!!  Fannie-oke will be going on from 8 until the Miss Thing Pageant on November 19th at Red Cap!! Then from there it will be Mondays! More details to come!!  Also I'm meeting with Jon Camacho to start the details of this years Queer Christmas at Mississippi Studios!!  So excited!!  Good things coming your way!

I'm truly aware!!

I just wanted to say that I'm aware of my withdraw from friends in the social scene. I'm aware of the distance I've had with people whom I've considered close friends. I'm aware that when I go out I never fully have the connections that i could have with people. I'm aware that at times its hard to see who I am beneath cloud of obliteration that I present to you. I know I can be a monster and I know I can be a lover. I'm aware of the distance that my dear friends put on me because they don't know what kind of friend I will be for them today. I'm aware that no one feels they really know who I am because it feels like I'm always putting on a show for someone and acting a part. I know these things. I'm aware.

I'm not going to say I'm sorry because words are useless without actually seeing that they are trying. I'm not admitting anything to you in this blog, but I'm not denying anything either. If you have fun with me then lets continue having fun and trust that I'm fully aware of my actions. I'm not asking for sympathy or help. I'm asking for understanding that I'm trying and evolving and learning about myself more and more everyday. There's a sense of security in rebuilding for me. There is a internal feeling of joy that I have when I destroy everything around me and rebuild it.  I'm not at a rock bottom place with things I've abused in the past and I'm not even in a place where I'm putting my tail between my legs and asking for forgiveness, please don't think that. I'm simply putting myself in check so I can prevent the past from happening again. Everyone is grown and doing their own things in life and I love seeing that and I hope you enjoy seeing my progress too. I'm evolving into something new and I'm about to show you what I have morphed into.  I'm a lover of all and I am I'm still learning to love myself. I am an artist and my muses may be different. I may only be saying to myself and no one else, but in the long run we are our own life changers.
I'm aware.

The cherry on top

So lately I've really gone through a big wake up call again! We all have them (hopefully) and when they happen you replace and re-put all the things in your life that fall by the wayside or possible obstruct the goal of happiness.  I recently made some terrible choices that if not dealt with could really put in a position in life where I'd rather not be in. So I talked to some amazing people about this and have gotten some amazing advice and help to deal with it. But, the best was my conversation with my mother! She may be little (4'11" and 100 pounds) but boy is she a spit fire. I mean, she has me as a kid, so she has to be something similar to a Greek goddess right? So, after the conversation with her I feel more ready than ever to head back from my little Portland break and start being myself again. Starting with how I treat the people I love. The words that kept pouring out of all my life advisors is "LISTEN MORE, TALK LESS!!"  It's not that think that no one else has anything important to say, it's that I feel sometimes that I always have to be the one who has to have the best thing to say. I just need to breathe and realize that personal wisdom is often attained from the wisdom of others.
Love you Mom!!

Washington

So here I am in Washington! After work I got picked up from a friend and I left Portland for a few days. It's much needed. I awoke to sunshine and that was a great way to start. I'm kinda feeling depressed though. Like maybe I shouldn't have left Jesse all alone right after we just split. Then I'm thinking that maybe we shouldn't have split, then I'm thinking I wish I would have gotten so damn drunk the other night and started this awful awful chain of events the frankly I'm too embarrased to even blog about...breathe Fannie, breathe.....So anyway, I'm out of town to collect my thoughts and organize my rather disshuffled life as of now. I think I need therapy. But, then again, don't we all!

Saturday... a day of rain and a day of light

So today is a brand new day for many reasons. First, if any of you actually read this, my boyfriend Jesse and I have decided to call it quits. We've been together for 2 years and in those 2 years have experienced monumental changes in our lives. When we first got together 2 life changing, tragic events happened and in the process of those events we clinged on to each other in a way that was needy and co-dependent. This co-dependency kept going and going, but in different forms of financially, mentally, and physically. Well after our 2 year Anniversary I started really thinking about love and being in love and having that passion that a couple should have. Though I love Jesse so much that I would take a bullet for him, give him all my worldly possesions, and never go very long without speaking to him, passion we did not have. We both need and deserve to have that and I feel we both are able to have that, just not with each other. It's really sad to be in this situation, but I feel so good that we both feel this and both will miss each other so much. He's a sweetheart and will make someone so happy in EVERY way some day. And if someone hurts him, they will feel the wrath of devil upon them! And that devil is Miss Darling!

Peep Show!!

Well, not that I like to bitch BUT I'm going to. So I thought and hoped that I was gonna start Bingo tonight but for some reason "no charity has come forward". Well, the way that I know how to do things is to not sit and wait for people to come forward, but to hound them and make them want to have their charity! I mean come on! So many things are going on in Portland, so it's becoming harder to get people to do things. So push and get them. Fuck! SO anyway, I'm not doing Bingo tonight, but I am doing Peep Show tonight. I'm doing a serious song and I really hope people appreciate it and get it!  Come out and check it out! And fucking tip the performers Portland!!!!

Get it In Writing

So today has been a lazy day. It hasn't stopped raining and I haven't even left my apartment building at all! It feels good. it also gives me lots of personal time to think about the weekend and how I can rethink things that happened. Now,  don't get me wrong. I had a wonderful time and feel like I performed well and handled myself in a way that was funny, friendly, and loving. The one thing I overlooked was to make sure I get properly taken care of financially. Something that has been over looked at on my part has been to think of myself as my own manager. I need to start getting what I need written down in a contract so I make sure my needs are met. I've never had to really take care of that aspect and I suppose things are changing and I need to change with them. If I'm gonna be relying on money by performing, than I need to make sure I do by using a contract!!  Just a little lesson learned!